Burff
I pulled up to the spot in my Jaguar. Every tire is a donut because the new Nelly song on the radio is so catchy.
My Fubu Ugg boots landed in a puddle and splashed dirty chai water on my acid-wash jeggings. Just as I handed the keys to the nude valet, Burff spotted me and we started our 46 second handshake. We headbutted each other and he complimented my highlighter brown, airbrush Bugs Bunny tall-tee to which I responded with an improvised kiss. He was wearing his favorite boonie hat/du rag combination with a small raincoat tucked into his dad's rodeo championship belt buckle. Standing on my hands halfway through our greeting ritual I saw that his camo-plaid mini skirt only covered his complicated junk because his sock suspenders were holding it down; he always thought ahead like that. With Burff over my head Dirty Dancing style, I saw that the line for the club was glaring at us. "They can't be jealous", I thought out loud to myself, "Burff weighs a ton."
We finish our greeting with a gentle belly bump and our chains got tangled.
This took us back to the same memory: "SWIM TEAM OH-SIXXXX!!!" We squealed like banshees. It's only funny because we never made the swim team and I was paralyzed for the better part of 2006.
I'm not trying to be a snitch, but we made our way into the club without waiting because Burff said he threatened the bouncer with his own life once.
Then I remember walking to the back, through the silent/violent dance floor, to the restrooms. It was homecoming mum night, I hate mum night. The dance floor is covered with dull bells and half-glued plastic animals.
In the bathroom, Burff picked stuffed animals off of his bare feet while I stared longingly into the two-way mirror. He told me he had something to make the night better. He never lied about that. He unbuckled his raincoat pocket and pulled out a bedazzled Crown Royal bag labelled "Huffington Prost". He sprayed what appeared to be forrest green textured Krylon on his arm, then into the bag and inhaled it. For the record, that was not his style, he was more of a gold or silver kind of guy.
"WE'RE ALLIGATORS TONIGHT!!!" He screamed, rubbing our crackling arms together. He always screamed.
We did that for 10 minutes to an hour and then went dancing.
I black out ... and all I remember when I came to was ... dancing, then ... Burff saying he wanted to rob someone ... and then ...
I was on the ground outside of the old Krispy Kreme watching Burff run off into the night with his hammer and a trashbag of Key Lime Cheesecake donuts.
Then that Nelly song popped in my head again.
That's all I can remember officers.
