Sammy Hagar Roll

INT - SUSHI PLACE - DAY
CUSTOMER, early 30s, Ichabod Crane type accidentally dressed like Wayne from Wayne's World walks into a themed sushi restaurant with POD blaring. WAITER, a very tall 18 year old American born Weasley approaches the way one does when trying to cover up something they did wrong.

WAITER
Are you picking up?

CUSTOMER
No.

WAITER
The bathroom is around the corner to the right.

CUSTOMER
I'm here to eat. Do I sit -

WAITER walks to the back. CUSTOMER sits in a booth. He is the only person in the restaurant. He waits for 3 bad early 2000s songs before WAITER returns.

WAITER
Hi. Are you in the mood for a drink?

CUSTOMER
I'll have a water and a tea.

WAITER
You can order now if you want.

CUSTOMER
Oh. I'm not sure what I want just yet.

WAITER
I can show you some of the Opening Acts if you want. We have egg rolls and other stuff.

CUSTOMER
I'll uh ... make a decision soon.

WAITER
Cool. Let me know if you have any questions.

WAITER returns with drinks one Limp Bizkit later.

CUSTOMER
Thanks.

WAITER
What?

CUSTOMER
Thank you ... (?)

WAITER
I thought you were ordering.

CUSTOMER
Not yet.

WAITER
Cool. Let me know if you have any questions ... do you need a straw? Oh you have some.

WAITER walks away spinning his notepad on his finger. CUSTOMER sweats and remembers his last panic attack. The tea is the sweetest tea the Surgeon General has yet to warn us about. Two different music videos with the same content begin and end. There are 4 straws.

WAITER
Ready for me to write down your order?

CUSTOMER
Yes? Could I get the Sammy Hagar Roll and some -

WAITER
Nice!!!! Good roll!

CUSTOMER
(a beat)

WAITER
Okay I'll write that heeere. Neat. Let me know if you have any -

CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
... and some wontons?

WAITER
Oh you wanted something else. Okay ... (pulls out pen and pad again; writing) WAHNTAHHHHN. Anything else?

CUSTOMER
I think that's it. Thanks!

WAITER
Hm? What?

CUSTOMER
Nothing.

WAITER holds eye contact and walks away. Muffled singing is can be heard from the kitchen. The Blink 182 song WAITER sings aloud fades out. The empty restaurant loses its loudest customer every time a song ends. One of the Sugar Ray songs starts the way they do. CUSTOMER notices a cook is on the other side of the room staring at him and rubbing his hands. He shutters and tries not to let him know he knows the cook was looking at him, but the cook doesnt seem phased. He just stares mindlessly. A crash in the kitchen. The other two people working there dart eyes at CUSTOMER then at the cook. The cook puts out an invisible cigarette and walks back into the kitchen. Never breaking eye contact. CUSTOMER'S food arrives by way of awkward speed-walk.

WAITER
Two, perfectly fine dishes. Do you need chopsticks or a spoon?

CUSTOMER
A spoon? Why would I-

WAITER
One spoon!

He drops a spoon on the table. CUSTOMER has never eaten faster. CUSTOMER has been known to eat his feelings. He eats every bite.

WAITER
How is food- how is it? *coughs* I love Sammy.

CUSTOMER
I will take the check when you get a chance.

WAITER(disappointed?)
Okay. Do you want more tea?

CUSTOMER
I think I'll be fine.

WAITER returns carrying a to-go box for some reason.

WAITER
I brought this and the check for you. My name is Kevin. Thank you.

CUSTOMER puts his card in WAITER'S clammy hand. "Prison-Shiv" The Line Cook is out again. Watching. Always watching.

WAITER
I'll get this taken- I'll be right back with your change.

CUSTOMER
... Thanks, man.

CUSTOMER pulls out phone to write the entire transaction as a way of coping with situations like this. When out of nowhere -

WAITER
Sign this paper. No rush. Have a good day.

CUSTOMER packs his bag and stands up.

WAITER (from back)
Have a good day.

CUSTOMER'S vision narrows to the exit.

WAITER (from back)
Have a good day!