Reunion

"AHHHHH!"

Two women in high heels scuttle towards each other for a manicure avoiding hug.
Heads turn and brows furrow to the shrill cries of idiots recognizing each other. You would think they hadn't seen each other in years. But it was probably a week ago ... there have been margaritas since then.
The screaming stops and only a faint tearing sound can be heard between them.

Now, I'd like to say that they had successfully tore a hole in reason, but I'm sure the truth is less entertaining. No, the sound was probably being made by the amount of 'smell-good' each of them put on in the parking lot acting as a temporary adhesive.

The ladies lean away from each other, take a cat swipe at the air, and say that the other looks great in falsetto unison.
While the air conditioning does its best to waft the vapid compliments away, unintentional eavesdroppers try their damnedest to tell these women apart.
Tribal skull wings on a Harley made of crosses skeeted black on a white shirt with rhinestones making some rhinestone shape your mind won't let you waste your rhinestone life trying to decipher on it and rhinestoned dark blue jeans that literally scream "Barbie Two-Step".

Their faces.
Their faces resemble poorly crafted organic Jim Henson baseball glove Muppets.
Their faces look like they did in high school, but with bitch-laced age/body shame marinating in collagen and dusted with Pringle flavoring.
Their faces look as though you made beer-butt tiramisu on a skull and poured too much cinnamon on it.

They catch up on what mutual (possibly interesting) friends are doing and play with their US Weekly approved platinum hair.

The men stand off to the side observing their high school sweethearts; feet apart and arms crossed. They are dressed in a combination of what is Ed Hardy-cool now, what was UFC 'cool' a year ago, and what their platinum carrots want them to wear.

I often wonder what shopping with them would be like.
"I like this one."
"It's the same as the other one, babe."
"But this one is red and it says FAITH."

You could go out in public with the description I've given you so far and see the SAME guys being removed from a bar ... or I could go on describing them.
No? You're good?
Okay.

I hear the words "disappointed" and "Mavericks" through the occasional unnecessary straight-billed hat adjustment ... the boyz don't catch up.
They don't need to. They're busy repressing.

One of the clones squawks something like "Is this little Brittany?!"
Oh, yeah. One couple has kids. Yes, kids. Wonderful, unhealthy, privileged little pre-voters. The Youngest Republicans.
The spawn even has the decency to hand the Starbucks back to mommy.
After everyone congratulates her like a near deaf senior citizen, she squeals and begins dancing the way any caffeine-saturated 8 year old would.
The 'mother' feels the need to scat some comedic observation that proves to be way funnier/sadder than she could have ever imagined.

"Git it girl! She's such a little freak."

The adults break into premeditated laughter that doesn't wrinkle their face in that embarrassing way.

The scene fades ... waiting to be rehearsed again.

Burff

I pulled up to the spot in my Jaguar. Every tire is a donut because the new Nelly song on the radio is so catchy.

My Fubu Ugg boots landed in a puddle and splashed dirty chai water on my acid-wash jeggings. Just as I handed the keys to the nude valet, Burff spotted me and we started our 46 second handshake. We headbutted each other and he complimented my highlighter brown, airbrush Bugs Bunny tall-tee to which I responded with an improvised kiss. He was wearing his favorite boonie hat/du rag combination with a small raincoat tucked into his dad's rodeo championship belt buckle. Standing on my hands halfway through our greeting ritual I saw that his camo-plaid mini skirt only covered his complicated junk because his sock suspenders were holding it down; he always thought ahead like that. With Burff over my head Dirty Dancing style, I saw that the line for the club was glaring at us. "They can't be jealous", I thought out loud to myself, "Burff weighs a ton."

We finish our greeting with a gentle belly bump and our chains got tangled.
This took us back to the same memory: "SWIM TEAM OH-SIXXXX!!!" We squealed like banshees. It's only funny because we never made the swim team and I was paralyzed for the better part of 2006.

I'm not trying to be a snitch, but we made our way into the club without waiting because Burff said he threatened the bouncer with his own life once.
Then I remember walking to the back, through the silent/violent dance floor, to the restrooms. It was homecoming mum night, I hate mum night. The dance floor is covered with dull bells and half-glued plastic animals.

In the bathroom, Burff picked stuffed animals off of his bare feet while I stared longingly into the two-way mirror. He told me he had something to make the night better. He never lied about that. He unbuckled his raincoat pocket and pulled out a bedazzled Crown Royal bag labelled "Huffington Prost". He sprayed what appeared to be forrest green textured Krylon on his arm, then into the bag and inhaled it. For the record, that was not his style, he was more of a gold or silver kind of guy.
"WE'RE ALLIGATORS TONIGHT!!!" He screamed, rubbing our crackling arms together. He always screamed.
We did that for 10 minutes to an hour and then went dancing.

I black out ... and all I remember when I came to was ... dancing, then ... Burff saying he wanted to rob someone ... and then ...

I was on the ground outside of the old Krispy Kreme watching Burff run off into the night with his hammer and a trashbag of Key Lime Cheesecake donuts.
Then that Nelly song popped in my head again.

That's all I can remember officers.

Common Side Effects

Common side effects may include:
A giving birth sensation, inability to place in the top 4 on MarioKart 64, Redd Foxx syndrome, that sitting outside at a bar and there is one of those porch lights in your peripheral and it doesn't bother you until someone walks by it appears to flash, inability to 'Go-Go Gadget', shallow breast pockets, Pringles, increased spare change glued to the ground gullibility, shallow flatulence, Art Thritus, Acute Catvideo Disorder (CAD), Julia Roberts mouth, explosive diorama, increased soda bottle or voting pressure in chest, Taebo when exposed to CNN, naming your child 'Tomer', closet light outages, a true and real inability to speak for yourself (Trilloquism), frequent you're a nation, restless Greg syndrome, and different poops. See your doctor if you feel.

The Dallas Cowboys Lost

Cowlas Dalboys game wasn't what wanted to be. Nothing make me more happy to see my Boyboys victors.
Much emotion how men play sport. Now me let down.

I biggest fan. Loved all things. Jersey, helmet, ... Everythings.
All I do now: talk what could or should for two weeks.
Just wish other teams not good. Just wish they lose so C-Boys could championship.
I guess not fair. Other people like other teams too. They not want lose.

Just want home team win. Too much ask?

I am a Registered Voter

Upside down and inside out,
I'm about to show all you folks what's it's all about.
Now it's time to sit on the white
And make this potty wipe

I'm talking it back to the old stool,
'Cause I'm an old fool ,
Who's so cool.

If you want to make brown I'm gonna show you the way.
Poop, there it is. Let me hear you say -

Poop, there it is.
Poop, there it is.
Poop - like a caca I like a caca like a caca like a -

Point blank.
Plum juice I drank
Gettin' sick then sit 'fore I flush my tank.
Expell the shite -uh oh- I ripped skin,
Hold shit to find a throne to pinch it in.

Drop-trunk it, stick it, shit it, and wipe
That D double-O D Y, oh my.
Ooh that stinks, come on come on

Poop, there it is - I'm done

To-Do List #38

• Exit shower

• apply full body Chapstick

• BECOME John Mayer on Rock Band

• invent aroma therapy that deals specifically with the stress of seeing the trailer for Pain and Gain

• "What do you mean I can't get eggs in my route 44 cherry limeade?!"

• listen to Kriss Kross while driving backwards

• do the 'fragrant arm'

• email Chris Tucker back

• ask people to change their ways (start with the man in the mirror)

• avoid kneeboarding

• build a traditional cookoo sundial

• come up with a campaign for running from president

• take vitamins

• see if Dog the Bounty Hunter still lives in 'Fuckoffkid'

• send Dog the Bounty Hunter his Xmas present

• Febreeze Shaq's house

• watch all of the CMAs up to 2008

• tell local stripper that Margarine Butters is a terrible stage name

• pick up butter on the way home

• pee on the bed

• sleep on the couch.

Clyde and I

After I got out of prison, I moved right back to Alabama. I met my second wife at a club where I used to play the saxophone. We got married after one of my long hauls to Warshington. Like all newly weds, we had our differences. She'd throw the Wiimote at me from time to time and I'd steal her high heels to lure some of the guys at the TA into the bathtub with me. One night, she gets home from the Dollar Sergeant and sees me in the tub with Clyde Stale. So she goes into our room, takes one of my 9-11 Commemorative knives and tries to kill us.

So I get up and defend myself with what I have in my hands ... my saxophone.

We didn't try to get rid of the body. Clyde called the police and we held each other until they arrived.

There was an A&E special made about me. I think it was called 'So I Married A Sax Murderer'.

The Dallas Cowboys Won

Hey guys! The Cowboys beat the Giants tonight! The Cowboys won. I can't believe the Dallas Cowboys won. The Giants lost to our team; the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys' win tonight has happened. The Cowboys defeated the other team. The game was tied when it started and then the Cowboys scored more points before the end. Don't watch or read the news, the Cowboys came out on top. How 'bout them Cowboys? How about them Cowboys? Way to go 'boys. Cowboys: Win. I watched the game the Dallas professional football team from Dallas won. Great job C-Boyz. Winner winner, Cowboy dinner. Success for the big blue. CowDall Boyas. The Cowboys are the victors. I'm proud of the winning men on the DalBoys. The Cowboys = the champions of this evening's matchup. Our group says 'take that rivals' by touchdowning more often.

Michael Baywatch

Kicking off my art film marathon with Michael Bay's Transformers.
Bay tests the audience by giving us xenophobic protagonists that are sworn to protect a cube. The cube is a symbol for freedom ... or christianity ... or oil ... or whatever makes us better than everyone else and the aliens want it.
Bay puts so much substance into his films. The Transformers trilogy is an example of not being able to squeeze it all into one movie.
His lets-just-go-with-it cinematography speaks for itself. For example, the way he attacks materialism with his ingenious framing of various company logos throughout the film puts the Pillsbury icing on the Sara Lee cake.
The toys are just souvenirs to remind the youth of one of the greatest truly American movies of the early 2000's.
Bay's entire career has definitely left a mark on American cinema. His legacy will echo like dubstep robot explosions in a mine shaft elevator.

Likert Scales

"People are often offended by what you say."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"Black Beauty is a sad story."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"You push it to the limit ... Limiiiiiiiiit!"
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"The Likert Scale is a little annoying."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"Lets go LAkers no bullshit 2niye lets win this n kobe dont keep missin those 3z slow n steady n u got this 2 qrs down in tha 3rd at 9 min lets do this LAker pride"
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"You are not easily annoyed."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"Sometimes or never you don't always get along with or befriend a customer or sibling when they or it ask stupid or genius questions or loaf."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"Kevin James is to acting as Outback Steakhouse is to Australia."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"BitStrips depress and scare you."
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

"Ppl mi9ht judge me but no matta wat imma b me n i kno one person tht luvs me 4 me no matta if i bang"
Strongly Disagree | Disagree | Neutral | Agree | Strongly Agree

Forward Lunge

I click my stopwatch - 01:27:43.
Brianne crosses the finish line - 01:28:03. Not bad for 8k with obst's.
We jog it out to the water bottle station. I knew this was the time.
While we're stretchin' I look at her right in her eyes, bro, and I get into a deep forward lunge and say "Babe, the Spartan Race is over, but our lives are just beginning." --
I pull out my g-ma's mud covered ring and shit and I'm like "You miss 100% percent of the shots you don't take . . . Brianne Fitzgerald, will you marry me?"
And she's all like 'Jeremy, wtf!' and goes on about how I'm like undecided on my major and whatever. She just don't want it bad enough.

D.A.R.™

On October 30, 2012, Disney™ acquired the rights to Star Wars®. And from that day force, "May the Fourth"® belongs to Disney. Any status/post mentioning May the 4th® without written consent from your Disney Regional Representative (DRR™) is punishable by Disney Law (DLaw™). If you have infringed DLaw™ your punishment will include the following:
1.) A $12,000 fine™
2.) You will personally have to wait an additional 15 years for Episode I® to come out of the Disney Vault™.
3.) A Disney3D™ photo of you rockin' some JarJar® swag on the set of Zack & Cody's® (stars of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody) new movie "A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Suite®". Coming to theaters June 8th.
4.) A DRR™ will personally see to it that you watch John Carter® 100 times.
5.) You will be forced™, at gunpoint (D.A.R.™ - Disney Automatic Rifle), to write the live-action remake of a beloved animated movie chosen at random.
6.) You will sign a contract (via D.A.R.™) that requires you to be enthusiastic in every conversation concerning the new Star Wars® films.
7.) Every movie you own will be reviewed, tested for it's Disney-ness™, and put in our patented baby-proof, white plastic VHS containers.

Texas Concerto in D

A classical guitar and a flute start playing the last four movements of Mozart's Flute Concerto in D.

The proud dad leaves the camera running on the tripod and sits next to his sandals.

Every whole rest in the movement pulls a premature clap out of the coffee-jittered, culture saturated, generational gapsters in the audience.

The more intricate movements lower heads to bright rectangles.

I'm really glad the microphones can't pick up the 'this can't wait until church' gossip.

An old woman stops picking her nose because she needs that hand to figure out how the camera on her phone works.

The movements come to an end and the tipsy crowd gives a hasty standing ovation. The classical musicians appreciate the Texas hoots and hollers.

My backpack is packed and I'm tipping waiters when I hear that the group is called The Nu Rainbeaus.

I came here to write ...

I forgot it is Open Mic Night at [rustically decorated coffee shop]

ToxicApp

The tribe gathers around the iHeater to hear one of Elder Chet's stories from above ground. The subway tunnel grows silent in anticipation. Chet admits he can't remember the last story he told. BroBrandon tells him he left off at 'beer pong'.
Chet grunts through his nose and shotguns a label-less can. He starts with a tale of being able to get giggle juice mad cheap from a place called Public House and recalls mate hunting. We laugh as he shakes his hands and describes a dead mouse with a giant head that makes tight music. I don't like it. But if Chet liked it, it has to be good.
Then Chet shows us his favorite head cover from the consumer times. It is a strange shape; almost too big for him. It has some sort of fin that sticks out of his forehead. I always thought it was his crown.
Muffled thunder from above stops Chet for a few seconds. The blue light from his E-Cig illuminates his goatee.
He speaks of how 'gay' things were and a cancel culture we assumed was a bad cheese. BroBrandon and I agree to protect each other from the hipsters Chet hated so much. In the same breath he tells us about how our tribal disputes originated in a place called the You Ef See and how much he'd like to go one round with Auntie Phở. She was big on his list. The tribe goes buck wild until he puts his leg up on an empty barrel of giggle juice.
His face is super serious and stuff. He says he always liked watching the UFC in his apartment by himself.
The entire tribe is quivering in their blanket-robes. He pauses to clear his throat; he looked like he was going to cry.
Suddenly, everyone's god-tangles vibrate and light up. The ToxicApp alerts us of a chemical storm above ground. The tribe protests evacuation but Chet rubs his eyes and assures us he has more stories to tell us tomorrow. We repay him with the remains of a Keystone suitcase. I tell him I was the one to find it. I was so nervous but he said it was tight.

American Food

When your table is ready, your RFID pager will go off.
The staff will wear sexy robes and masques. They will ask their tables if they are "ad ordinem".
The appetizers will be a Nestlé communion with a choice of red wine from a box, Whirled Trade Center sampler, fried onions with a choice of sauce, chips and Sachsa.

Entrees will include signature dishes from our benefactors.
Items like: Jay-Z's 99 Bla-zing Wings, Caesar salad, The ObamaNation penne, Fired Up Trump Cocktail, Beyoncé Omelette, Templar tempura-ty, the CNN (Chicken Noodle Nugget), Kevin Bacon Let-us Toma-go (with Hollow Man sauce and Honey Booboo mustard on whole Wayne bread), Pork Mel Ribson, baked Makarelmore and CHiPS, the Riley Virus roast beef and pesto sandwich, and the "W" pizza

Drinks: Koch-a Cola, Dr. Prepper, 9/11-Up on the Baracks, Cruise Booze, Blue Ivy Margarita,

Desserts: the Rupert Murdocolate Devil's Food Cake, Ban Ki-moon Pie Blaster, and Drone Flan.

Every item will end in 6 and everything comes with a side of Crawford Ranch.
It'll be like Hooter's with a political flair.
And we'll call it 'Il Bloomin' Naughty'.

Sammy Hagar Roll

INT - SUSHI PLACE - DAY
CUSTOMER, early 30s, Ichabod Crane type accidentally dressed like Wayne from Wayne's World walks into a themed sushi restaurant with POD blaring. WAITER, a very tall 18 year old American born Weasley approaches the way one does when trying to cover up something they did wrong.

WAITER
Are you picking up?

CUSTOMER
No.

WAITER
The bathroom is around the corner to the right.

CUSTOMER
I'm here to eat. Do I sit -

WAITER walks to the back. CUSTOMER sits in a booth. He is the only person in the restaurant. He waits for 3 bad early 2000s songs before WAITER returns.

WAITER
Hi. Are you in the mood for a drink?

CUSTOMER
I'll have a water and a tea.

WAITER
You can order now if you want.

CUSTOMER
Oh. I'm not sure what I want just yet.

WAITER
I can show you some of the Opening Acts if you want. We have egg rolls and other stuff.

CUSTOMER
I'll uh ... make a decision soon.

WAITER
Cool. Let me know if you have any questions.

WAITER returns with drinks one Limp Bizkit later.

CUSTOMER
Thanks.

WAITER
What?

CUSTOMER
Thank you ... (?)

WAITER
I thought you were ordering.

CUSTOMER
Not yet.

WAITER
Cool. Let me know if you have any questions ... do you need a straw? Oh you have some.

WAITER walks away spinning his notepad on his finger. CUSTOMER sweats and remembers his last panic attack. The tea is the sweetest tea the Surgeon General has yet to warn us about. Two different music videos with the same content begin and end. There are 4 straws.

WAITER
Ready for me to write down your order?

CUSTOMER
Yes? Could I get the Sammy Hagar Roll and some -

WAITER
Nice!!!! Good roll!

CUSTOMER
(a beat)

WAITER
Okay I'll write that heeere. Neat. Let me know if you have any -

CUSTOMER (CONT'D)
... and some wontons?

WAITER
Oh you wanted something else. Okay ... (pulls out pen and pad again; writing) WAHNTAHHHHN. Anything else?

CUSTOMER
I think that's it. Thanks!

WAITER
Hm? What?

CUSTOMER
Nothing.

WAITER holds eye contact and walks away. Muffled singing is can be heard from the kitchen. The Blink 182 song WAITER sings aloud fades out. The empty restaurant loses its loudest customer every time a song ends. One of the Sugar Ray songs starts the way they do. CUSTOMER notices a cook is on the other side of the room staring at him and rubbing his hands. He shutters and tries not to let him know he knows the cook was looking at him, but the cook doesnt seem phased. He just stares mindlessly. A crash in the kitchen. The other two people working there dart eyes at CUSTOMER then at the cook. The cook puts out an invisible cigarette and walks back into the kitchen. Never breaking eye contact. CUSTOMER'S food arrives by way of awkward speed-walk.

WAITER
Two, perfectly fine dishes. Do you need chopsticks or a spoon?

CUSTOMER
A spoon? Why would I-

WAITER
One spoon!

He drops a spoon on the table. CUSTOMER has never eaten faster. CUSTOMER has been known to eat his feelings. He eats every bite.

WAITER
How is food- how is it? *coughs* I love Sammy.

CUSTOMER
I will take the check when you get a chance.

WAITER(disappointed?)
Okay. Do you want more tea?

CUSTOMER
I think I'll be fine.

WAITER returns carrying a to-go box for some reason.

WAITER
I brought this and the check for you. My name is Kevin. Thank you.

CUSTOMER puts his card in WAITER'S clammy hand. "Prison-Shiv" The Line Cook is out again. Watching. Always watching.

WAITER
I'll get this taken- I'll be right back with your change.

CUSTOMER
... Thanks, man.

CUSTOMER pulls out phone to write the entire transaction as a way of coping with situations like this. When out of nowhere -

WAITER
Sign this paper. No rush. Have a good day.

CUSTOMER packs his bag and stands up.

WAITER (from back)
Have a good day.

CUSTOMER'S vision narrows to the exit.

WAITER (from back)
Have a good day!